damajdancer,

It really sounds like you are struggling with PTSD symptoms. I have been there. Please know that you are worth better than hurting yourself to deal with the stress and fear. Try to stay connected to what is real. When I was where you are now, I would write down what I was experiencing and draw pictures of it, so I could run my hands over them to really see it was not real today, just an echo from the past.

you are not alone. be well,

mtd