My T and I had a lot to talk about today....

food... i never mention it because im scared she'll try to do or say something about it and i really dont want that. im doing what i want with food so i dont want that to change. but it is something i think about most of the time everyday.

alcohol... i told her i drank. i even kind of asked her how i could get myself drugs. she didnt like either... these two things are the only things in my mind able to get me some pleasure.... these and chocolate (better nutella )

we got to mention how i feel in a hotel at the "new" house (3.5 years living here with parents) and how i would feel in a hotel everywhere because my Home was taken from me by my parents moving (and forcing me to move with them). i have never dreamed new house in this whole time, while i still dream being Home.

but what we discussed about the most was about my parents, money, filling forms and getting a place for myself.

yesterday night my dad told me that i should start paying my own insurance. i know this is perfectly normal and right and i havent done so until now because i didnt have a good enough job to be able to pay everything i should.... im going to finish paying my car payment (lasted 7 years) next week and i agree now i'll be able to afford this other payment, but it felt like....

im planning on going living alone and my parents may suspect it but i havent told them so yet....

so it felt like they are against me going living alone if now they want to stop helping me and making me pay my own things... and i know this doesnt make much sense since i havent told them my plans, but then it felt like... EVERYTHING is against me going living alone. i kind of... would have been easier if they knew my plan and they found this way to keep me from going, but them not knowing made me feel EVERYTHING is against it.

(im SO sick of having money issues. all my life was affected by it! go figure im planning on getting a tracksuit i wanted since i was 13 but could never afford it! - 22 years later)

because apart from money.... and this is the reason why i havent told them yet..... its that my parents and especially my mom, would react hurt/sad/mad/abandoned by me moving out. i know that because she already is sad and upset by my brother moving out 2 years ago and she said the other day that only now she is starting to get used to it. what would happen when i tell them i'll move out too?

and she is jealous of my older friend, she feels in competition with her because i like to meet with her every week and i rarely go out with her. she would want me CLOSER (???) but she wouldnt dare to ask/expect the same from my brother. then why is she keeping me so tied to her? and then i am the one seeming cold and distant and feeling guilty and regretful
for wanting/needing my space! im 35yo for x sake!!!

AND there would be so many forms to fill out to get some help to be able to afford a place on my own.... a place that i'll never feel at home. never safe, always with money problems.... and i HATE forms! i have an aversion for them!

i feel angry and discouraged by all this. i DO want to move out and have my own place, but money, parents feelings, feeling forms.... make me feel i better give up and kill myself. just to spare myself the stress of all of this.
sorry... needed to vent.....