That sounds like a really bad space to be in. This will sound stupid & overly-simplistic, but maybe getting clean will give you clarity. Alcohol was my drug of choice, & there was a time when I could relate entirely to whet you're expressing here. While I still have serious bouts of anxiety, I think I know what I feel & I can deal with day-to-day things better than when I was drinking. Alcohol is a legal drug, so there are problems associated with that (it's everywhere), but I've heard that the lure of meth is unlike that of most any other drug. I hope you can kick it. Thanks for sharing your perspectives. Keep writing.