The Story of Definitely Not:

I showed up super early, so went in about 20 minutes before because I wanted to use the restroom. I was horrified to find that there wasn’t one attached to or accessible from the waiting area. So I imagine that there is one, but I would have had to walk past other therapists offices in a narrow hallway and no.

So apparently she didn’t have a 5pm because she was sitting in the office area, so she took me back a couple of minutes after I walked in. She asked how the student issue was going. I haven’t honestly given it much thought past the last session. I said that now that I understand the motivations behind her behavior that I’m not bothered by it. She said something like, well good job! To which I replied with a “thanks?”

She asked about the last couple of weeks. I said that it’s been rough because of the fertility treatments. We discussed how the fertility treatments versus adoption debate is starting to happen between H and me. She said that I’ve had longer to accept the possibility that I may never conceive again. H isn’t there. Give him time, figure out what’s best for your family.

I don’t remember discussing the possibility of graduate school with her last time, though I must have. She asked if I had considered it more. I’m taking one class in the spring (probably) that’s offered through my school district. I’ll apply in the spring if I decide I want to go back in the fall.

And then I said if I want to back at all. She asked why I wouldn’t. I groaned and said what if my grades aren’t good enough or I can’t get a good score on my GMAT.

We talked about the tape that plays in my head that says all of the negative things like that. I said I know why it’s there, I just want it gone. She said the only way to do it is to diligently stop the negative thoughts when they arise.

I said that seems patronizing and disingenuous. Like I’m lying to myself. She said it isn’t. That there’s evidence to show that there are good things about me. She referenced my intelligence. Yes, the one good thing I’ll always say about myself is that I’m smart.

Then she was like, what about evidence that you’re capable? What’s there? I shrugged my shoulders. I said I was so mired down in the mental stuff that I’m not performing to my potential. She said it’s not realistic for someone to perform at their maximum all the time. But saying that I’m not where I could be indicated that I’m somewhere. Okay, so I’m capable.

She asked about friends. I have some people I go out with sometimes. I don’t have many friends, but some.

She was like, okay, so it sounds like things aren’t terrible at present. That you’re okay. And anyone who knows me knows that’s a sure fire way to piss me off. I said, okay, at this rate we’ve known each other for all of an hour and a half. You don’t know me. You haven’t seen me fall apart.



And then I started freaking out. H doesn’t know that I’m doing it again. RoboT didn’t know. The only place I’ve talked about the desire is here on PC.

She asked what was wrong, and I told her that no one knew. It was my secret. She wasn’t dismissive but didn’t acknowledge that I shared something with her that no one else knows.

We talked about how I should have a plan when I’m triggered. Come up with it in advance so that we change the neural pathways. Rewire the automaticity of the action.

And at that point I shut down. I wasn’t interested in anything else she had to say. I just...honestly I want RoboT. Writing this down cemented for me that it’s important that I find a therapist that I can connect with on an emotional level. Someone who exudes empathy and regard. That’s not her. The connection isn’t there.

So I’ll move on. I’ll find someone else.