i dont quite understand what you mean by i remember what to talk about here on psych central amanda... i just talk whats in my mind in this moment...

i do the same with them but its easier here because i can pause and really contemplate what im writing and thinking or where im going in thought and feelings you know..?

when i am with them i am trying to do the same thing but its really hard to focus and i feel so spaced out and unable to recall my plans or feelings and really what im feeling or have been feeling or what i have been going through and its really complicated... like amnesia... and i just feel like a completely different person.. and i really get frustrated but i dont like to show frustration which makes it worse because i feel like if i show frustration it will cause the other person to become uneasy and cause confrontation which i cant deal with and cause more problems which i think all just increases the dissociative symptoms... its a terrible cycle i am trying to learn and understand to try to combat and get better...

i didnt write anything down and ended up going in and talking to them telling them that i felt really disconnected and dissociated and telling them that the past couple days i thought i was doing well keeping spirits up and trying to help everyone and make everyone feel good and i was feeling good and all and something happened to me and just out of the blue i became like this...

i talked to them about my goals and how i am just trying to stay focused on what i want to do in life and how i just want to get out of here and make a life for myself... to have a life...

i told them that i think the medicines are working as well as to be expected and that i dont want any more medicines...

they arranged to have me reffered to a therapist there and i should be hearing from her in 2 weeks or so if i can get in with her which i should be able to...

going to try to have a tour of the day program weds next week as long as everything goes as planned... and the people at the program can take me to appointments so that will help with my transportation problems..

asked her about driving lessons for people with ptsd problems so that i can work on getting that in order and learn to drive safely so that i can drive myself instead of having to rely on others... because i need to be able to drive... im just scared...
i cant drive like this... its really bad... she said she would look into it for me...

my mind is just really messed up and im really confused about it all and dont understand it.. i feel like im alone with it and like it is really wrong and like no one else really experiences things like this and like i must have some freak illness because it really messes my life up and no one seems to believe me because i appear to be normal and fine to everyone some how... im so sick of it...

im so tired of my memory problems... i just cant take it anymore... i cant keep going like this... i hope this therapist can help... i hope i can see her... i just dont know how im going to have transportation if i cant get into the day program and have them take me to the appointments... because i cant keep relying on my dad... he makes me feel so ****ed up having him take me to my appointments... im just trying to get help and he just doesnt understand... everyone thinks im just trying to get disability check and use the government for the money but i dont even ****ing care about that i just want a god damn life...

who the **** am i? i dont even know what a life is... im 27 years old and i dont even know what the hell is going on... im so alone... im so tired of being so alone...

its not fair... i just want to disappear... please make it stop...

im sorry to complain...
i dunno why i am feeling like this... i dont want to be here right now...
feeling really overwhelmed... life is so hard...
i dont want to kill myself though... i just want a chance...
a chance to be some body... i dont like feeling like this...

i dont feel like any body... i dont know who i am...
i am no body... i am a no body...
i have no identity... i have nothing...
i have a name... a social security number...
but i have no sustenance... i feel so empty...
void... i am a black hole... i suck up everyones energy and live off of everyone elses happiness... i make other people happy so that i can be happy...
because i am nothing... nothing matters... it feels like nothing will ever matter... like i can never be fixed... like no one will ever understand...

i've tried to explain for so long... i've studied so much trying to learn...
but it doesnt seem to matter how much i learn or know...

i should just shut up... im sorry...