My anxiety journey has been very complicated because it has involved a lot of health problems that I don't even know are for sure attributable to anxiety. I've gone through several years of bouncing back and forth between therapists and doctors. I'm not sure how to explain. Maybe an example will help. Several years ago, I started having excruciating headaches and issues with feeling off-balanced, which in turn made me afraid of being in public because I found it very scary to try and talk to people while I felt like I was struggling to keep my balance. Doctors said there was no physical explanation for the headaches and balance problems and sent me to therapists saying it was all anxiety. Then therapists sent me back to the doctor saying those were medical problems. Back and forth, back and forth. Meanwhile, there was the whole being terrified to go in public thing....did I have an anxiety disorder or did I just have a physical health problem that made being around people too uncomfortable to be worth it? Who knows. I've been put on every anxiety medication under the sun, and none of it does anything for me.

So anyway, after years of trying to sort all of that out, I'm noticing more and more behaviors in me that are definitely anxiety issues. I convince myself that people absolutely hate me and think I'm the most annoying person they've ever met. I obsess over what I need to do to make myself less annoying. I stay up all night the day before car trips worrying that I'm going to get in a crash, and I start doing all of these superstitious things that I think will make me less likely to get in a wreck (like not listening to my normal music because it has "sinful" lyrics in it, and God will be more likely to protect me if I'm not listening to sinful music). Recently, I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and then turned around and drove home because there was a car that pulled into the parking lot blasting music that had a bunch of crazy bumper stickers on it, and I convinced myself that person was up to no good...like might've been there to rob the store or do a mass shooting). I obsess over the possibility of getting caught up in a mass shooting in general; I have opted not to go so many places and to so many events because I was worried a mass shooting would happen there. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I'm realizing lately just the extent to which my anxiety is absolutely ruining my entire life. I feel like I never get a moment of clarity; my mind is always on paranoid freakout mode. It's also making me consider more heavily that maybe all of the physical health problems I've had throughout the years really have just been anxiety.

I can't live like this anymore. I feel like every moment of every day is my own personal hell. If I could afford to get a therapist, I would be scheduling an appointment tomorrow, but I lost my job and therefore don't have that option. What do you do when you need to find some way to be less consumed with anxiety but can't afford professional help?