Hi Molly,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sorry your friends reacted badly in that way. I'm sorry you are missing your grandma.

You've had a lot of big changes in your life recently, so I think you can cut yourself some slack. You've been through a lot.

You said you feel like a friendless failure. That does not mean you are. It just means you feel that way. From what I read, you are the strong one in your family. You graduated college. You communicated the truth to your roommate and friend when you needed to. That doesn't make you a friendless failure. That makes you a good successful honest human.

Reality is mostly just neutral. It's what we can see or hear or touch right now. Everything else is imagination. It's memories of the past, and imagined pictures the present time, and projections about the future. It's all made up in your mind. Every bit of it. And that's normal and ok. But you have to realize how that works so that when hard bad things happen, you don't carry them with you for years. It's actually really good news. It means that your heart and spirit belong to you. They aren't subject to what happens in your life.

You said you don't want to feel anymore. That's just because you haven't realized yet that you have control over your feelings. Feelings are the product of your beliefs. If you believe that those two people had control over your happiness, they do. Or if you believe that dealing with your grandma's illness ruined you, it did. Once you stop believing those things, they stop having power.

You can believe that grandma's death was just grandma's death. You can see it as a honor to be the person there to care for her. You can believe that nothing, not illness or death or anything, can ever separate your grandma from you in your heart. You can believe that she's still with you every time you remember her, that she's such a bright light that death couldn't even dim her.

You can find peace with your friends by finding grace for them. These are people you cared about and loved, yes? And what if they were fated to be together? Would you not want that happiness for the people you love? Would you not do anything for the people you love, include losing them, if it meant they got to fulfill their fate? If you cared for them and loved them before these things happened, doesn't that mean you must still? If you really did care for them truly?

Maybe your heart is big enough to let them go.