to keep myself from forming an attachment, I must keep questioning why the lady gave me a brief, light touch on the upper arm as we parted.


this had been bothering me the whole day. there was a second bad thing that made me really anxious, so I planned out my day tomorrow and how I'm going to get all my tasks done. That helped, but...

I planned everything until 9 pm tomorrow (today) when I realized why she patted me. I think she did it because of perceptiveness of my feelings, which I thought I hid well, and kindness. I cannot stop thinking, and have now figured it out, and now I'm doomed.

I wondered if she would give me a hug. she wears soft sweaters in dark jewel tones. and suddenly I got an intense desire to be hugged by a mother figure.

The lady who patted me... I can't think of touching another person without a lot of planning and effort going into it. it would be for manipulation.

but for her I think it was natural to touch someone. I can imagine her giving this same touch for many purposes, if she was happy, or wanted to say hello or get someone's attention.

this is the part where I say something like I didn't get any hugs as a child. and maybe it should have been natural to get hugs.

...


anyway, I'm already off my schedule that I planned for myself. sometimes I function better when I'm really low because being hopeless helps get rid of the anxiety. So just pretending to be hopeless. and not thinking about hugs or anything. I think I'm feeling bad enough atm that I'm not going to get a weird attachment. so it's all fine. just wanted to express this.