I've worked SO hard to reconnect with my so called negative emotions that I had to deny and bury as a kid.. In a way, I feel I've done that work now - I'll still need to keep working through my feelings every day, of course, but they're here now, I don't have to try and dig them up anymore

I feel my next step is to somehow find a way of accepting my body and owning it.. I feel I've abandoned it because of shame. Shame from rejection, abandonment. But those weren't my fault!

Part of it is fear.. I fear what I'll discover. Sometimes when I've really focused on it, I've managed to stay present in my body for short moments at a time, and have actually started to feel in my bones and cells what I like and what I don't like - and that scares me..

I think it's because so far, my life's just been about surviving. I've grabbed onto whatever I thought was going to keep me afloat.. It's sad to realize I've never really lived, never understood what I like and don't like But now I can find out.. It's not dangerous anymore. As a kid, I had to cling on to harmful parents because although they hurt me, I wouldn't have survived without them either.. Now I can choose what's good for me in every way Anything else seems nonsensical.