Yes, I need to move from grief to acceptance. And I need to move on. For well over a decade - if not two - my sister has not been much a part of my life. So nothing has recently changed. What's recent is this kind of sudden awareness that she seems to want it that way. I don't know what suddenly brought this on. I can't figure that out. I visited her four years ago. She was very nice. I came back from that visit very refreshed in my soul and grateful for her hospitality. It seemed that the awfulness of ten years ago was receeding into the forgetable past. It's been hard not feeling free to travel these past four years. I just figured that someday I will be able to, and I'll look forward to seeing both my sisters and their families. And I believed they will be glad to see me. Now I believe that this one sister is in no hurry to see me. I called her back in April, and I haven't heard from her since. No contact for five months. I believe she will probably call me right before Christmas - like she did last year. That's a "duty call." I don't want any duty call from her. I gave her number a special ringtone, so I think I won't even answer it when she calls. I guess she does dislike me. That's her privilege. What I hate is the phoneyness of the gestures that are just motions she goes through because she cherishes her self-image of being the nicest of people.

I am thinking right now that I am becoming crazy. This resentment is poisoning my soul, or at least ruining my day. I do have to accept and move on. I guess I'm still stuck in the grieving stage.