i don't know how much i have shared about myself

im a deeply philosophical guy .. having been seeking a Truth of all, truth of existence since i was atleast 13 years old.. but inwardly desiring to know since i was a child.. always asking people questions about the bible and things that made them uncomfortable in which they told me to pray or not to ask such questions and such..

at around age 13 i stopped "being" a christian and just started self seeking and self teaching... studying on my own and seeking out knowledge and wisdom... learning much about the world, philosophy, physics, the mind, occultism, hypnotism, ect...

i have been thinking on consciousness and awareness...
and came across a little bit of information from Ernest Hilgard on divided consciousness and thinking on some stuff that ive already read i am just pondering my existence that i have sustained over these 27 years...

thinking that maybe all of my pain and suffering is a self suggestion and my life being an illusory misconception of a false reality i created or perhaps multiple versions of myself that i created through dissociation and self hypnosis... meaning that maybe not i solely created it but as a remnant of the past that was devised to hold together a reality that i perceived to be the only true reality created within me this reality for me to continue experiencing the only reality i know to be true and recognize within myself as these alternate self suggesting versions of myself continue to exist...

the problem i have is that i have since created a new reality and these alternate realities continue to exist and they are clashing

i find myself falling into these states that are like suggestion states where i have no control, but often times now realizing that i am in the wrong thought.. or wrong reality... or wrong place... or the wrong person... or things are not right...

what i am concerned about is physical ailments being the sole cause and not mental but i have brought it up with my doctor and i cant seem to get an MRI ... talking about these "far out there things" tend to get strange looks from everyone

i just try to explain it the best i can, then i get fed up and give up for some time and go silent and shut down, forget all about it and end up repeating a cycle and here i am again on the path again trying to revisit it and trying to fix it - hopefully this time finding the keys and with the ability to solve the puzzle and fix the problem...

it is a strange feeling, to live like this.. to be surrounded by people that dont understand and have to keep such a secret because no one understands; often times getting lost in the illusion of it all my own self

but i feel as if i am under some form of mental control, not from the outside or from anyone else but from within as a complex system developed itself for some reason or another to create this reality or multiple realities for me to go in and out of... i admit that i have read a lot of strange things and that i may be stretching into some things a lot of people would consider science fiction... but to that i would simply have to say that is an opinion of theirs and im on this side looking out trying to explain my subjective experience the best i can...

i would like to understand myself and how to "wake up" and dissolve this paradox i have created in my mind, if it could be "as simple" as that, to get rid of the "divided" awareness, the alternate realities, the other selves, the split thoughts, whatever names may be given to it... so that i can get rid of this "looking glass" and see clearly a true reality and have a clean healthy happy life of oneness and be whole