Unfortunately, all I have to offer at this point is my skills as a housekeeper, and I really don't mind that. I take alot of pride in making/keeping a nice home, and I have a pretty good eye for decorating and I can do it on the cheap, too!

I also think these skills have real value. It's just too bad that most people do not see it that way any longer. Money, or the ability to make money is the only standard to which a partner's worth is valued at today, especially when it comes to second, third or fourth marriages.

I am in a different space at this point in my life. I am tired of being a fly-by-night f*** for my boyfriends (although it did work well when I had a career because that was the only thing I had that meant something). But, it never felt "right" and did little for my self-esteem, nor theirs, I suppose, because I could never really give my trust to them completely. Eventually, all the "love" just faded away. There was just no foundation there to build upon.

I really used to believe that a commitment, like marriage, made no difference, but I was in denial about how I truly felt, most likely out of fear. But, in all honesty, it does matter, and I cannot continue to deny these feelings. The more I try to for the sake of my relationships, the sicker I get.

I haven't even come close to having a relationship strong enough to take to the alter, and I am so tired of being left in the wake of men who are, consciously or unconsciously, looking for something better, or who are afraid to commit because of bad experiences.

What kills my spirit the most, is how they refuse to be upfront about how they feel in the beginning. I guess they are just afraid of losing an opportunity for getting some tail.

I know it is easy as pie to get a divorce nowadays, and some people go through partners like worn-out underwear, but loyalty and commitment still have their original meaning and intent to me - they always have - I just chose to ignore it for way too long and for fear of losing a mate.

And now that I have discovered this about myself, I am stuck with a choice of men, in a certain age group, who have been through the ringer a time or two and who refuse to make any commitment of any kind (not that I can blame them, if indeed, they did get screwed over as badly as they say).

If I wanted to, I could go back and demand that I receive half of 3 exes pensions because we had lived together for more than one year. I, in good conscious, cannot do this, for it would not be fair for the women that they eventually settled down with and had children with. It would be a completely dishonourable and selfish thing to do, in my opinion.

It's just too sad to think that I haven't been able to find anyone who can see past my illness, look at me for my strengths and accept me as being of value, rather than as a liability or potential future liability.

I wonder if I will ever be in step with society. At first it was my willingness to "live in sin" that was out of step, and now it is because I am not willing to live like that, that is out of step.

Please, if it can get any worse than this, can someone warn me?

I know this is rather long-winded and I am still trying to put things back into a logical stream of consciousness, so please forgive if it doesn't make sense.

I am also really tired of editing this again...