Thanks for having empathy for how I feel. I don't believe this is a case of being too busy. She is retired. Her children no longer live with her. She has no grandchildren.

I don't expect to necessarily be "close" to her. This isn't a case of just failing to be real close. This is more like sending a message in a passive-aggressive way. Then, again, that may be too strong. This is someone who has dropped me from her list of those she considers friends. Even that's okay. She has a right to choose her friends. She can't help who she is related to. But this is a decision to avoid me for some twisted reason. I never before thought if her as a twisted person. A counselor once told me that I may have over-idealized her. There is something sick behind this. She has demonstrated some very sick thinking in the past. A cousin of ours was visiting my father frequently when he was within months of dying. He was the son of my father's favorite sister and was coming to see my father - I believed - out of kindness. My father had been very attentive to his mother when she was dying. My sister said this cousin was only coming around hoping my father would leave him some money. I was aghast at what a horrible thing that was to say. My cousin is financially quite secure. He continues to be a warm friend to me, and I hear from him every few months. I don't mean to comb the past looking for negative things about my sister. But, when I remember something like that, it helps me see that this growing distance may say more about my sister than it does about me.

I have another sister who does keep in touch and has been warmly concerned about my guy and me beyond what I ever thought she'ld be. I guess I should be thankful for that and realise "you can't win 'em all." This other sister is up to her ears in problems and has a needy family that keeps her hopping with one thing and another. Between job, kids and grandkids, I don't know how she manages to ever be on the phone with me. She says that talking to me actually helps her. I guess that's about as nice a thing as anyone could say to me. I guess I better be grateful for what I do have.

In any family, some are closer than others. I don't pressure anyone into having more to do with me than they want. I have a crazy brother who's in and out of jail. Eight years ago he called to tell me that he had no use for me. I got tired of taking care of his pets whenever he went to jail. That ended his interest in me. I had been bailing him out of jail and going to court to support him. But he decided I wasn't much of a sister. It was hurtful, but I got over it. So now I have this to get over. Maybe, as with my brother, it will be best when I just put the relationship with my sister as something that belongs to the past. As with him, I may need to stop doing the back and forth thing. That can be way more draining and hurtful than just totally giving up and moving on. I just never thought I'ld go through that again. I don't put my sister in the same category as my whacko brother. But the rejection feels pretty much the same. Worse, really. My brother is mentally ill. My sister thinks carefully and rationally about everything she does.

As far away as I am from everyone, I don't know why the lack of a few phone calls a year should matter. It doesn't change my life much. I guess it's that I didn't know this was coming. When I phoned my sister in the spring, I figured she would take the initiative a few months later and phone me. I sort of clung to that illusion that things were basically alright between us. The illusion won't hold up anymore. An uncle of ours has told me he thinks I try too hard. He has said that as manipulative as my sister was about getting most of my parents' money that I shouldn't even bother with her. I was stunned to hear him say that. He has known all of us our whole lives, and I thought he warmly regarded all of us. I suppose he does. But he has told me that I wasted too much energy on my brother and am wasting my efforts, now, on my sister. I admire him as a man who manages to lead a pretty happy life.

Emotional hurt heals and goes away. It takes time. I can't get over this tonight. I have to believe I will get over it. This dream of having a reassuring bond with this one sister may just be a dream I have to stop chasing. I don't want to be hurt by her anymore. Ten years ago was so awful that I became suicidal for a short while when family disharmony was at its worse. But I'm not stupid enough to off myself over someone being mean to me. I never have depended on any one person that much. Now, ten years later, this emotional misery is starting for I know not what reason. I'm not clever enough to keep up with the twists and turns in this sister's mind, and I don't want to. The best thing would be for her to fully fade out of my life, as my brother has done. I think about him every day and hope he is okay. But not seeing him or hearing from him has brought more peace to my life. I don't want her hanging back just beyond the periphery of my life, but dipping a toe in once in a blue moon to carry on this farce of putting a good face on things. I've always believed that you never give up on people you care about. Maybe sometimes you have to. I want peace of mind . . . to stop fretting over a bond with someone who doesn't value it. It seems that I have nothing to give that she needs or cares to receive. I am not without value . . . even if I have no portfolio of investments or a single square foot of real estate to my name.