I've dealt with thoughts of dying being the only way out of my situation for close to a decade, but there was always something in the back of my mind screaming at me that I didn't want to die and to find a way to fix my life so I could stop having those thoughts. Lately, it's like I don't have the mental or physical energy to be bothered by the thoughts, so I just let them happen.

I've also always had a huge fear of death in general to the point that I would panic before long car trips because I was so afraid I would get in a car wreck or drive my car into a lake and drown or something. Lately, I just don't have the energy to care if I die, though? It's hard to describe but very unsettling. For example, I've avoided going on roller coasters for many years because I was afraid of falling off the ride or having a heart attack on it or something. Recently, some friends wanted me to go on a coaster with them, and I went on because that fear was just gone. It was like I was too tired to exert the energy needed to be afraid. While it was good not to feel terror at the thought of going on a ride that is safe for the vast majority of people, it was unsettling that my thought process was, "Well, if I die on this ride, I don't care. No point in running through scenarios in my head where some part of the ride malfunctions because it doesn't matter. If I die, I die."

This is very scary. Part of me wonders whether I am close to death and that's why I've recently become so resigned to the idea. I've definitely had health problems for a long time, but when I go to doctors for them, they dismiss me.

I can't afford to go to a therapist to tell them how I've been feeling. I don't have friends, and I'm alone most of the time. (I know I said I went on a roller coaster with some "friends," but they were really just people I met on the internet, and that was probably the only time I'll ever see them in person...not like people who live near me who I see regularly or anything). I don't know what to do. I'm simultaneously terrified and numb...mostly terrified of how numb I am about things that normally terrify me?

I have an idea of what is triggering this all, but I've already rambled enough, so I'll just leave it at this for now. I wish I could afford to go talk to someone. I feel terrifyingly isolated. I was hoping that I could apply for an insurance plan with better mental health coverage next year, but it's looking like that may not be possible because of changes going on in our government.