I've idealized T for a long time. Last session it felt different.

During the holiday break two things happened. One was that I called her cell phone when I was distressed and when she answered I felt like I was intruding on her personal space and I didn't like the way that felt at all. It was a normal call and she asked if I'd been able to get out. I did go out the next day. I decided I was going to just do that and see if it helped. It did and when I told her about it in session she said it sounded like I was able to trust her. That my deciding that her suggestion might have merit, I was trusting her more. yes yes yes I think so too.

Before that, I'd decided I was going to just go in there and say anything and everything from now on. I know that's how it's supposed to be but I've been holding back and censoring. Resistance and fear of losing the good mother and all that.

It worked, though I was sure I'd chicken out once again. I was able to just open my mouth and let whatever come out. Started with the holidays and what I'd been doing and it went from there. Wasn't so hard.

At one point she used the innocent word "obedient" and I just clammed up and my mind shut down. Could not come up with ANYTHING to say. It was embarrasing for sure and has happened before, but this time I wasn't going to let it get in the way. So I laughed and said that word shut me down and I have no idea why. We went on from there, exploring that a bit. Then I told her about a dream I'd had, a terrifying dream that woke me up, my heart pounding from terror. In the dream, to get away from someone, I'd had to leave my cat behind in my apartment. I'd left my apartment to get away and couldn't go back. I was on the streets and talking on a cell phone to the person I was escaping from. He was furious and was heading to my apartment to see if I was there. I knew he was going to kill my beloved cat when he got there and I couldn't do anything about it even though I was sure he would find me somehow and do the same to me. In the dream, on the streets, every car was him and every second could be the second he would find me..

The dream is more concrete than metaphorical. We talked about the dream and the real life situation. T was wonderful. I felt a protective presence in her. I felt very vulnerable, but I didn't feel like a child. I just felt vulnerable, and she made me feel safe.

It feels like a turning point. It's like I've been showing her the table of contents of the book of my life and I've now opened up the book and selected a chapter to explore. It feels more real and even better than idealizing (but I'm not giving that up yet! lol)

I think I've let her in. I think I am definitely trusting her more. This is amazing me, as I wasn't sure it could happen.