i feel like i dont want to go backwards... like going back the way i came from so i keep trying to go forward

im a philosophical kind of person.. its how i think... i try not to think about stuff but i think that causes problems so ive been trying to let my mind go and see where its taking me again... trying to let go of many things and observe, i am just failing to take notes as my memory isnt so great so i really need to get my note book back out and start writing stuff down or atleast open a journal somewhere on the computer

i realize that i have been through a lot that has traumatized me...
but i also realize that maybe going through these things has created within me a different perception of the world that may allow me to see things different than the masses... i am an outcast, a loner... but i am trying to start using it for some good instead of letting it control me and take me down...

there is a fine line separating the genius and insanity, im sure i am pushing my mind to limits that are possibly dangerous... maybe even risking psychosis... but its something that i have lived with for a long time and i want to face it head on once and for all - to come out of the fog and discover whats been in front of me(what ever i may be) all along

i have read many theories and conspiracies... the simulation theory... phantom time theory... mandela effect theory... ect...

and my core beliefs are really pretty set in what i believe i think and i just need to face it and come out of this...

i just believe that due to the way my mind was designed or developed that discovering these things along my path of "enlightenment" or development i locked things into compartments keeping them away from the core self so that the self can function in a society not programed to live that way...

i AM really confused and need to work this out and it will take some time but im concerned that a normal therapist could make it worse as its not just trauma that im dealing with? but a warped mind... and i dont want them to look at me and consider that my beliefs are null... or to say that i am psychotic because i believe in something different... because i have done a great deal of research on these subjects trying to discover a hidden truth... from all of the religions and ancient texts... from mysticism and everything i can get my hands on... im highly analytical and think that should rule out psychosis...

maybe i am just not human or the run of the mill human...

i just dont want to go backwards again, i dont want to get trapped into the other minds and want to stay present in this mind