Okay so this morning I took a huge leap. I blame/thank sleep deprivation. I am a big person. I've been big my whole life. And I've always faced a lot of backlash and animosity toward it. In trans care, there is a huge barrier for big people because the medical industry is discriminatory against fat people. (At this point I really don't care what the reasons are. It's gatekeeping - moderating who can and cannot access the care they need. If it was cancer, and I was dying, they wouldn't be standing around saying 'yeah but you need to lose weight first' because by the time I lost it I'd probably be dead and it'd be malpractice. So it's gatekeeping, end of story.)

I'm sharing this because if other people see this, and they are big people and having problems in transition, or scared about the opposition they will almost certainly face, I want this to be here. Anyone who has these problems can message me any time, even years from now, as long as I am on this website. Because I am having a hard time finding people who can or will talk about it, and without the backlash of fat phobia.

Anyway - I took a leap this morning in one of my FTM support groups on facebook and asked if anyone has any experience to contact me, either on the thread or in private, relating to hormones, binders, and advocacy for fat trans folks. I stated very clearly in the beginning that I am not interested in people's prejudices or explaining or apologizing for a discriminatory system. In other words I stood up for myself and showed up for myself and I feel ****ing great about it. The posting in that group is moderated and it hasn't been approved yet so there's the anxiety around, will they reject it because it goes against the status quo? I don't think they will. This is a necessary, urgent matter of immediate importance to lots of people in the trans community and they'd be foolish to reject it. It doesn't stop the worry though. There's so much stigma against bodies that don't fit the cookie cutter mold.

So. This is me today. I've been reaching out, slowly naming the beasties in my closet, for me and for others who are probably thinking and fearing the same things but unable to speak out. It's scary. I know I'm opening myself up for attack. But I really no longer give a ****. I'm tired of playing nice for other people's benefit. I'm tired of sacrificing myself because society tells me to. I'm just ****ing tired of being silent, of being nice, of sitting down and shutting up while all this stuff keeps going unchallenged and people who don't deserve it keep getting singled out, targeted, and held back from life-affirming, life-saving care.

That's my bit for now.