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Old Oct 14, 2017, 02:17 PM
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SorryShaped SorryShaped is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
I haven't slept in a few nights and the racing thoughts are full steam ahead. I can't even think about one single thing long enough to type it in in one try. I'm getting these flashes of light from being very tired and feeling lightning pains all the time now, the same ones from my neck but nearly constant now and a lot stronger.
I've not told anyone how bad this is. I really did think it was waning or under control.
I'm on meds. I did skip last night but I thought it might help me sleep if I skipped once and I'd been drinking. Gotta try something. The only suggestion I had was "you could take extra Seroquel." No, I think I'm going to ask for something different altogether. I'm supposed to call her and let my pdoc know if it's not better by Tuesday or it's urgent.

I've had some really bad friends breakups yesterday. One of them sent me out the door, after saying I could crash there because we'd been drinking (trying to pass out and hopefully go to sleep) but he sent me out the door with my keys in hand saying "you're fine. Drive." We were having a good time, laughing our butts off at a show we both love, then it's just "time to go." I left. That's really unsafe. I waited until things weren't spinning so much and picked my way on the back roads anyway. I've only done that once before ever and I still carry guilt every time I drive, it just is something terrible I think about the possibility of killing, and I'm very angry that I did that and he let me to do it. I'll not be hanging out with him again.
Then there's someone else. I thought we were going to have an open and honest friendship. Wrong. Open and honest people do not get their siblings to speak for them. "I didn't want to hurt you" means to me you don't value me enough to talk to me honestly. That's was why I was drinking. This one hurt me on the same thing before and before. I don't that.
I've only had alcohol twice before this year. I fully regret the entire evening and am off the drink because I drove buzzed.
I never told them at the hospital last time when I was mixed mood that I hear my own inner voice, but it's like it's in the room. I told a prior therapist that before and he said that we all hear it that way. Mine is telling me to end it, over and over and louder every time. It's so loud right now I've got the TV full volume and it's louder than that. I refuse to fulfill its orders, but what do I do?
I don't think hearing myself screaming "end it!" in my head is ok and I'm not going to drive anything again until I've gotten stable. This takes away my exercise time, which is very important to me. I like yoga better than sex, but I can't be driving like this. I also keep hearing flashes of conversations I've had with those people I yesterday called friends, loudly
Hugs from:
99fairies, Anonymous45023, Sunflower123