Mannaguy,
Wow, now my head is spinning!
Okay, let's break this down...
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Yes the last visit to her pcychiatrist he said that she "may have BPD".She told me as such but dismissed this concept.But then again she dismisses the other diagnosis UNLESS its used to keep me and others away.
If I ask too many questions & she gets stressed she will say she cant cope becuz of her Anxiety Disorder
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Well, this behaviour can be attributed to all three of the dx's you mentioned. One thing that is interesting and very much a part of BPD, is black and white thinking. She is vaccillating between believing she is ill and not believing she is ill - black and white; all or nothing thinking.
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However alot of the other times she can discuss not only her problems/feelings & mine as well.Very sensitively & in a realistic way.
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Now this is when she is in reality. She is calm, clear in her logic, empathetic and sympathetic. Normal, intelligent and loving. So, she has lucid periods, which is great! She is not totally nuts all of the time. A very good sign.
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I do feel she has a violent/verbal reaction to certain areas..mainly around love/relationships/families.And generally everyone else is to blame for her stress.
Now, that is something I can relate to having been a huge 'blamer' in the past-specially to do with drugs & alcohol.
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OK, now that sounds like BPD, but BPD also includes being in a highly anxious state alot, if not most, of the time. But then again, so does PTSD, and of course, General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). One never really know what, where or when they will be triggered. Although I take meds to keep me calm, they very rarely work when I am triggered.
A physical/verbal reaction to a trigger happens faster than what the mind can process. This is why reactions are so instantaneous and seemingly out of the blue. And don't worry, these reactions are probably as much of a surprise to her as they are to you. And trust me, they hurt her as deeply or even more so than they hurt you. I say this, not because I feel as though you should be able to "handle" these outbursts, but because they are, at this point, uncontrollable. Using myself as an example, I find it virtually impossible to leave my house because I do not have good control over my emotions, and it sickens me to watch how horrid I can be to someone, to the point of wanting to die. I HATE the fact that I hurt others. I HATE myself even more when I can't stop it. It is all so irrational to me, and I find it more and more difficult to forgive myself as times goes on, even though I know much of it can be attributed to my illness. Oh, and the more I hate myself, the more I am triggered.
Can you see the cycle here? This cycle can spin out of control by continually feeding on itself, pulling her into a darker state of being.
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Yes, her head may be spinning-the doctor is trying to make sense of it with yet further diagnosis & possibly to change & enhance her medications.
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She sees a doctor (psych doc?) and she takes meds. So at some level, she must believe that there is something wrong with her thinking and her behaviours. If her doctors are throwing all these different dx's at her, then I would suspect she is probably not very well at all, at this point. How could she be? I think her doctor is doing her a disservice by doing this. If she already experiences anxiety, what do you think all this is doing to her? It ain't relaxing her and it is certainly not providing comfort to her in any way, shape or form.
While my doctor acknowledged that I suffered from depression, he would not and did not provide me with "possibilities of having this or that illness." I was eternally grateful as it spared me the utter confusion your friend is dealing with now. Of course, I did not recognize it at the time. I just knew that my doctors didn't really know what was wrong with me, and until they were sure, that is when they told me. A diagnosis of BPD is not one that can be made quickly, and it is not one that is given to someone lightly. The ramifications of being diagnosed with BPD can be quite far reaching in many areas of life, including career aspirations and such. You already know how it can affect family life.
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The question is, how am I supposed to know
which part of her behaviour is 'normal' emotional difficulty
and which part part is to do with BPD & the rest.
How am I supposed to know when Im steping on thin ice
& we are both about to fall thru the ...?
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Uh, well, it is most likely you will never really know. The only advice I can offer you with this: Watch her closely. Watch what sets her off. Like I mentioned above, she is most likely not even aware of what, where or when things will set her off, but you have already isolated a few instances that do trigger her - love/relationships/family - these are always the biggies. As for the subtler ones? Well, that is a total hit and miss thing, and I doubt you will ever really be able to catch them all. And I don't really think you should be responsible to have to catch them all. She must take as much, and even more responsibility than you in this area. She is, after all, responsible for her life and learning how to taking control of it. No one can do that for her.
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This is the part that makes ME feel desperate..
And once again Ive seen her other friends feel the same.
I consider myself a really good listener-but I'm not passive,
i do nudge gently-she does come out with stuff she's told no-one before...but then WHOP! I get this huge back lash.
What would you prefer someone in my situation do..say nothing? Engage? Patience I have plenty of-but it IS a relationship-I have been hurt-when Ive mentioned this to her-that in itself causes more back-lash..
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She will never have an easy time of learning to control herself, and I am doubtful that she will ever be able to entirely control all the aspects of her illness(es). Nor will you.
You have, at least, all the qualities one could hope for in a relationship such as this. But I believe, the one quality that has helped me the most, is the people who have had very strong boundaries of their own, and do not allow me to push beyond them.
You see, my boundaries will always continue to shift, because I am constantly battling a fear of well, everything! The more frightened I am, the more I will try to get what I need in order to feel safe, even if it means doing things that may be not so nice. I am very aware of this behaviour in me, so I can stop myself from doing too much damage, but I continue to do alot of damage, and it is mainly in my relationships.
Knowing where that all-important boundary is with EACH person in my life, keeps me fairly grounded. I know EXACTLY when I have to stop, otherwise I understand that they will be deal-breakers, so to speak.
As for your patience? I am sorry, I don't hold out much hope for you, but I think I am projecting my current problems onto you here.
I have driven so many kind and loving and extremely patient people away from me. Of course, that was never my intent, but it IS my reality.
If you continue to study this illness, you will most likely come across a saying that goes like this: "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!" I believe it is a title of a book about BPD.
Living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder is like having to walk on eggshells every single day. It really takes it's toll.
I have to depend on others when they say it is possible to love a borderline, but I have yet to experience that.
I do not blame former friends or lovers in any way, for I can barely live with myself most of the time (I am really annoying, even to me!).
All you can do is your best. Although she may not ever acknowledge it, or she may never forgive you for eventually having to leave for your own sanity, she will ALWAYS appreciate that you have tried your best to love her.
I cannot write anymore. I have recently lost my b/f of almost 7 years, mainly because of my illness. He gave it his best shot. I know that, and I will always love him for it. But, for the sake of his sanity, he had to let me go.
I wish you all the best, mannaguy. And I pray your girlfriend eventually gets the correct diagnosis and the appropriate help that she needs.
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Please let me know if you need something explained a little further. I haven't the energy right now to edit this message properly.
The screaming in my head is coming back... (just an insider comment).