i appreciate that yagr, i didnt go all out with my search as i feared physical repercussions... as well didnt want to be cast out... i did try to ask and seek but when they turned me away i turned inward and stopped trusting and realized that people didnt see the world the way i saw the world and became alone... it wasnt until i gained access to the internet around age 13 that i was able to start research and studies outside of christianity because i was such isolation and social phobic ...

i ended up not being able to resist the drinking and had around 6 or 7 beers, having turned it down 3 or 4 times and finally something coming over me and going into it and making their time drinking a fine one now they are inebriated and passed out and i just feel drained and exhausted from having to put so much energy into keeping myself focused on them... at one point my dad came out of the house wanting to go to my sisters because he was like something is going on there because she said she had an ear ache and he assumed that meant that she is fighting with her boyfriend and i just slipped states without realizing it... like... "what you wanna go kill a mother ****er?"

im not understanding this at all, because i am not a violent person... but i know that i can be very dangerous... i am unstable...
seeing everything that i have seen and being through everything that i have been through one has to develop these ... capabilities... to be able to do things that a regular person normally wouldnt be able to do... which i am not happy about...

i am not saying that i am some warrior, or some great soldier, by far, i could probably not defend myself in anything, but the capabilities to do unspeakable things are there... and they shouldnt be... and i dont want them to be... these things make me want not to be alive... to not exist... to be in contradiction with what i want to be, if anyone can understand

violence is in my blood... yet i have fought it since day one... and been trained since day 0... what a confusing existence... and jesus christ is the savior... yet my creators want to kill each other... im not going into that though... as its too much...

i don't know what my problem is, sometimes i dont care
but i am trying to care
i am trying to stay away from the drugs, stay away from just getting ****ed up and doping myself up to annihilation ... alcohol is a joke, its pathetic, it doesnt do anything, so i use drugs...
but i prefer just to smoke my weed and stay away from all of them people, drug addicts, alcoholics, sadistics, everything, and just be... even if it means isolation...
i havent been able to really figure out the effects of weed on me yet because of all the drama... i just know that i feel relief... i had an idea that maybe it increases dissociation... or maybe it gives me more control over the dissociation... or maybe it causes the dissociation to stop being chaotic... i dunno but none the less its less painful then what i experience normally

i havent smoked in weeks... trying to stay strong because all i want to do is just smoke... i dont want alcohol or coke or meth or anything... just weed...
just funny how people will push alcohol on me but give me speeches about how marijuana is bad... they dont even know anything about the plant or its affects...

im scared

because i have a lot to do... but im not sure... all of this...

i have to call case manager like monday and let her know if my dad will be able to give me a ride weds to do a tour of the day program... i already know he wont be able to do that... i have to call that peer support guy sometime next week and tell him that there is no way i can get a ride to public meeting place to meet him...

worried about being able to have ride to the therapist if i am able to get scheduled with her...

wtf... why am i even here...? why continue trying?
there are other roads i can take... maybe just crawl into a coffin...
not like it really matter anyway, i cant make a big difference in this world
more than likely ill never really be happy tie,,,,

****... i dont even know what happy is
i should stop writing... my whole body is tingling...
sorry...