I feel like I'm at a cross road. I've managed med-free for 3 years (well except for anxiety meds) but not very well. I've gotten to a point where I don't know if I am just rapid cycling, or if I'm just getting worse because I'm older or what. I took a genetic test to see if any psych meds would work for me since I had horrible failed attempts when first diagnosed 6 years ago. I'm supposed to meet with pdoc on Monday to go over results and options.

At the same time I've been super depressed. Like I was feeling a lot of sadness and crying and grief but lately I just feel this like apathy or emotional numbness. I don't feel sad but I can't seem to feel anything except anxiety. Are meds really going to help me? Am I going to be able to be happy, to enjoy the things in my life that are good? Am I going to be able to stop thinking about not being here anymore? I dream about it, I think about it persistently, I suppose I fantasize about it even. What and how I would do.

Usually when the ideation gets this bad I can stave it off for a day at a time by cutting which has been sort of working since Monday but getting tired. I know I'm in a bad and high risk place but I'm so good at pretending everything is fine and wearing that normal mask. I'm good at shoving the feelings aside. The persistent thoughts are driving me crazy. I don't want to die because I would hurt my family, but if I could escape this life without hurting anyone I would have left long ago. It's hard to have so many reasons to stay and so little joy from those reasons.

Is this what being bipolar means? Am I always going to be in a fight to stay here for my family? Am I always going to go through life with the threat of the thunderclouds overhead, with the shoe waiting to squish me or the ground to open up and swallow me? When will it ever be enough, when will I ever be enough? I have a good husband, a child I love, a job, why isn't that enough? Why do I still feel this way even after all of the proactive steps and hard work I've put in?

What if the meds don't work......what if I do go over the edge? There is a part of me that is so scared that one day I'm going to lose this battle. There is a big part of me that says it's inevitable so why keep going. And another part of me is screaming at me that my kid needs me and I'm not allowed to be selfish that I have to stay in hell for him because what kind of mother leaves her child? I hate myself for feeling this way and having these thoughts and it's all just too hard.