I've been where you were 4 years ago. I refused to take my meds and my illness got worse. There were days on end I wouldn't eat and would just cry. The last two days I've been feeling down, but it's nowhere near what it used to be. With my mood stabilizers and antidepressants, I am able to not hit rock bottom. The depression is about a 4, where it used to be a 10 four years ago. Also my irritable manias are about a 3, when they were a 9 or 10 4 years ago. It DOES get better. If you don't like taking meds, maybe just take one at a time. Lamictal, Seroquel, and Latuda are all approved for bipolar depression. Maybe start with just one of them. I'm not a dr, but lamictal and seroquel work wonders for me. Stay safe and show yourself some love.