We do have an attendant who comes in 3 days a week. It sounds like a lot of help, but here's what it means. On the days that she is here for 7 hours, I only have to work the other 17 hours of the 24 hr day. That may sound like a whine, but it's just the reality. He's up a lot in the dead of night and needing care. That itself wouldn't be hard, but he argues a lot. He decides he wants to sit up in the living room all night long. I try to repeatedly coax him back to bed, but he'll keep getting up. Last night I left him and I woke up to a bang. He slumped sideways on his chair and somehow knocked over a side table. I blew up. I said I was tired of all this craziness every night. I'm getting to where I could be described as verbally abusive. Still, it seems he'ld vastly prefer being home with his crazy, bipolar girlfriend, than be in a facility, which he's already tried a few times, so he knows exactly what the alternative is. And so do I. He's cleaner and doesn't have skin breakdown. And he's happier. And he's not winding up on the floor 3 times a month. And he eats better.

For the most part, I think I've done a pretty good job. It could be better, if he were more cooperative. He hates getting showered, or doing his exercises, or anything else, other than watching TV and eating. And he would like to just eat deserts.

Neither of us has any family for thousands of miles around, so not much of a support network. We had actually separated years ago, and I resolved back then that I would never take on this role. It started with just picking up groceries for him. Then it just gradually evolved to complete, total care - a case a "mission creep." I don't actually live with him, but now I actually do. My own apartment is down the road unoccupied.

I go into these details here because there is no one for me to talk to about what I do. His adult kids don't even talk to me on the phone. It's not like they're going to be there for me when I get old. After he passes on, I'll probably never hear from them again. Because I'm afraid to leave him alone, I don't travel to see my family anymore. So my connections to them are becoming fainter. I'm in this shrinking world. I wonder did I plan my life so terribly that this is what it was destined to become.

I would like to find a caregiver support group- either IRL, or online. Only those who've done this really know what it's like. Some people sure make it look easy.

I wonder how much longer has he got? And I feel so close to him that I dread losing him. (He can be lovable, and we shared so many years together.) But I think of all the normal interests I could pursue that have to just wait until I'm free of this role. I could be doing more for myself. I've just gotten into this rut of being glued to him. But we've had a stream of paid caregivers pass through here, and they end up needing almost as much tending to as he does. They never seem to get to where I can leave them on auto pilot.

I guess it helped a little to collect my thoughts here. I could improve my life vastly, if I could rally from the inertia of depression long enough to undertake starting something for myself.