Hi everyone.
I have some thoughts I need to share with someone,but don't feel comfortable sharing it with people close to me.

The last couple of years have been pretty rocky for me.Perhaps my whole life. But won't get much into that, except saying couple things: my sister killed herself, my mum started obsessively going to church,my dad is verbally and mentally aggressive, sometimes physically, but not lately. The rest of the family is quite similar, depression is kind of a thing, everyone is pretty strange, but kind and fair, even noble, I might say.

I'm 22 years old now, and still on my first year of college because...not sure why. Living with my parents and sister and dying grandma. Not a place where I want to be. I changed studies couple times,spent a year abroad working, where I started to feel like there's something wrong with me even more than before. I still feel like travelling and living abroad, somewhere where it's always summer. But feel too crazy and unstable for that. Or am I just telling that to myself? Do I just want to travel to runaway from my life? Not from myself, because I think that's how you find yourself.

Since I was a kid I felt different from other kids. Not because I thought I was, but because everyone kept telling me that. While the kids would be out playing, I would be in the house drawing. I spent a lot of time on my own because I had a problem finding someone to connect with, I guess. Also I've been told my whole life that I'm an old soul and that I was born old, but I see it as I've never even wanted to be alive. You might say I have a lot of best friends, and not much acquaintances. I prefer quality over quantity in everything in life. I can't stand small talk either.

I've been told a lot that I need to find confidence, character, stop being so sensitive and emotional, find my own worth, stop thinking so much about meaning of everything and finding a higher purpose in everything, stop overthinking. "Stop being so nice, it will ruin your life" I simply cannot understand that. Maybe it's relevant to mention I had two longer serious relationships, and ended them both. I'm terrified of choosing the "wrong" person and ending up even more unhappy. I have some strange need of having a partner to whom I feel a connection that I can't even explain. Maybe it's only my idealisation. I feel like anyone can love me, but I can't love anyone.

People (used to, I suppose) see me as a smiling, fun, open person with a sense of humour. I see myself as a neverending hole of nothingness with no end. I feel like a failure because most my friends are finishing college, having serious relationships, going out, having fun and not being extremely irritated by the amount of plastic in their house, or the chemicals they're eating, or the alcohol that's killing their bodies.

I've always felt the more conscious I am the more frustrated I get. I guess because I realise how people actually don't care. They choose not to worry about those things.
I don't feel like I can choose. I'm aware of the fact that once we become conscious of something there's no going back. On the other hand, my appearances worry me a lot, I've been bullied about my weight always, but even now when I'm the skinniest I've ever been, people don't seem to be happy about it. Sometimes I catch myself shopping without a reason, opposing myself, considering I don't support materialism, consumerism and capitalism. (That all terribly hurts me and I hate how the world works, when I start thinking about that I just get more depressed)

Anyway. Since I came back home I've felt very strange. People here are quite closed minded, and that's always bothered me. I rarely found people with whom I shared a view on life and could lead deeper conversations, apart from my best friends.

Now, after I came back from my year abroad (I was underpaid and had some bad periods,) and travelling, I feel as if I dont belong here even more.
But aside all that, there are some things that worry me lately. I feel terrible irritability with my own being. As if I want to jump out of my skin because it itches. I'm unusually nervous and everything goes on my nerves. My family especially. I guess because at this age it isn't really natural to live with them anymore.

I've withdrawed from people for most of my life on shorter periods of time, but lately it's becoming more and more often. The other day I spent the whole day in the room, in the dark, screaming into my pillow and crying, not talking to anyone, screaming to leave me alone, like a teenager(which made me hate myself even more). I was googling about ways to kill myself, which I believe I would have done by now if my sister hadnt. My mum never took me seriously when I would scream to her I want to kill myself couple of times, crying for help. She would say "God is not going to let me lose another child" ... I used to believe in God, but my parents ruined it for me in a way. My mum tells me I'm highly spiritual but don't want to accept it. Perhaps.

I feel disconnected from myself and from others. I keep thinking about how people are weird, how it's strange being a human. Maybe I've closed myself in too much.
This would all be fine if it didn't interfere with my studies, work, family and social life, especially love life. Social situations make me feel exhausted, and it feels like I'm sensitive to people's energies.

I love being in a relationship but I'm scared of hurting someone again. I've recently ended a relationship with a guy I met abroad after almost a year, because I felt he wasn't right for me. I couldnt really talk to him and felt misunderstood often.
Is it possible that was only my indifference towards life that made me feel like I don't really love him? Before him I had a boyfriend for 3-4 years, and I remember crying to him for hours and explaining him how life doesn't make sense and that everyone would be happier if I just died. I remember him crying because he felt helpless. I destroyed our relationship with my self-hate, suicidal wishes and low self-esteem.

I want to be in a relationship because I do feel a bit happier, but I feel I won't be able to have a healthy relationship until I stop being this depressed. It's not like this every day, but I do feel very strange, confused, irritated, my thoughts are everywhere and I often feel the urge to break or throw something. I'm not scared I'll hurt myself because I wish to have the courage to end my life.

Couple of months ago, working abroad, I found myself on a high point of the road that was on a hill, and was thinking about throwing myself there. I stood there couple of minutes, imagining it, gave up because of my family and because there was a lot of trees so I assumed I'd just hurt myself and not die.

I saw 3 different therapist so far, each for one or two sessions, I didn't like it. I've made another appointment which is in 2 weeks. I'm scared she'll tell me I have a bipolar disorder, depersonalisation or something even worse (even though none of them before told me I was crazy or anything), and put me on meds which I don't support.

One part of me knows I'm normal, and just confused and don't understand how the world really works probably, going through a transition period to adulthood? It's odd because I've never been more irresponsible and careless. Which is the opposite of who I used to be. I also don't enjoy the things I used to. I feel there's no way to be normal again and that I'm only gonna be worse. There are two sides in me-one wants not to exist (as if I've never even existed) and the other wants to be the person I used to be - still sad but nice and kind and calm. Sorry for the long post.
Who'd know I had so much to say.