standing up for myself.. for me, it feels like I don't deserve to

it feels like... well, because my abusers shut me up and not let me talk, I don't have the right now- it's been taken away from me

and on the odd ocasion I do, my first thought after is what would my abusers think?. they would hate me for this- and I get all anxious and upset

then realise that their's a good chance they'd never find out, and try to calm down about it.