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It sounds like you have a lot going on in thoughts. Have you considered being evaluated by a psychiatrist. You say your are afraid to be diagnosed as bipolar or some other form of mental illness. However you can't run away from it if you are. You can try but you are setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

It saddens me that you "don't support medications." Would you think less of a friend who takes medication for diabetes? It sounds to me that you may view mentall illness as a weakness or failure and somehow different from any other chronic illness. But it's not. And proper treatment can lead to a much better quality of life.