My Support Forums - View Single Post - Do you hate yourself when you stand up for yourself?

Shazerac · Oct 15, 2017, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carmina

With me it's not that I wasn't allowed but that I had a mum who had mental health issues of her own and whenever things got stressful would threaten to kill herself, which was sometimes a daily event (although it was all empty threats, she's still alive). So not only did I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and be very careful not to upset her (which required a lot of self monitoring and also learning to read emotions and behaviour), and to walk on eggshells around her, but also when she did blow up I felt to blame and carried that for a long time.

She also thought she was dying of cancer so would tell us she wasn't going to be around for long (which I think was a combination of her own depression - it does feel like a cancer eating away at you inside - and her own mum dying young of cancer).

I was also scared of her and my main nightmare had her in it, as she was just unpredictable and would sometimes blow up angrily.

That's an incredible load for child to bare

. You said yourself "walking on eggshells." I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I had the same feelings. My problems weren't "important" in comparison. It took me decades and finally going to therapy to grow past that and start to have some semblance of a normal happy live and love.

I've had very vivid dreams where I was strangling my mother and they were quite disturbing. I finally came to believe that I was acting out my anger and feelings of abandonment in safe environment of my dreams. As I have gotten past that the dreams went away.