((((( Kimmy )))))

So sorry you have yet another family issue on your plate that you are trying so hard to figure out and deal with. I too can relate to what you are going through.

So often times "our" priorities are vastly different than what others are. Times when my daughters have had issues that they need help with and call on me to help, and when I can't or won't drop everything to help them immediately, I get the sarcastic voices from them and attitude problems that really end up ticking me off.

What I have done in the past at times is to write out what my priorities are, change the order when needed and share them with the girls when they need help with something. I sometimes ask for their help in return so that I can bump their issues up on the list a bit and maybe we can all feel as though we're helping each other out as well as ourselves.

Sometimes I have to remind them that their previous actions or even inactions have put them in a position of their needing immediate assistance with something. Teaching them that they do have more of a control over their issues and in the future should not be so short sighted about certain things. In other words, their lack of planning does not constitute my having to jump to help them fix something as quickly as they think I should.

I have also learned that I can sometimes help them more by talking with them and asking them to open their minds to other optiions of assistance. Asking themselves where else they can turn to for help instead of out of habit coming to me first thing before thinking about the situation and other options.

I have to admit, they are not always impressed with me doing that. But, in the long run, it teaches them how to be more open minded and more independent.

This situation may not be the same as yours, but I think some of the ideas might help fit with some tweaking on your part.

On a side note, I have to say too that by making my daughters' responsible for fixing their own issues, while not always easy, has helped them with their self esteem. They have learned that they are not incapable of doing things and that they can take the reins at times of their own lives and have some control. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does slowly creep in and they do realize it.

Because you and I and many others here are the "fixers" we put so much on our own shoulders don't you think? When we do that, there comes an expectations from those we help consistently, that we should always be there to continue helping. I think we sometimes create our own little monsters without realizing that we are doing that, then all of a sudden, one day when we are stressed to the max, it comes back to bite us in the butt.

Since my friend came to live with me a few months ago, I never really noticed just how much my kids demand from me until she said to me one day "Jean, my heart aches for all you go through and all that is on your plate, and all that the kids throw your way to fix". She told me and opened my eyes to a lot of things that I do for them at my own personal expense. She has been so sweet and tried to help me out whenever she could by doing some of the small errands that I can't seem to fit into my day or just talking to me about what is frustrating me and giving me the opportunity to see things in a different light.

I truly hope that some balance comes into your life Kimmy. Sometimes making those you love responsible for their own experiences is a tough row to hoe. But in the long run, it will save much heartache and headaches down the road. I wish you well with that my friend!


sabby