Thanks for sharing your story, Carmina (and everyone else). That sounds horrible. It makes a lot of sense, what you're going through now.

One therapist I saw referred to a person with our experiences as 'an adapted child'. The phrase really got through to me, and I've thought of myself that way ever since.

An adapted child is one who's had no chance to develop their own sense of self. You might know the phrase already, but no therapist had used it with me.

With adapted children, usually, the childhood situation is so dire, they have no choice but to fit themselves around it. Trying to hold things together. Doing and saying whatever it takes to avert disaster. They become 'mis-shapen' (not the therapist's word).

They're not developing the same inner resources as a 'normal' child.

When I was little (nothing too graphic coming up) my father was always losing his job. We often completely ran out of money. Many times, we'd have to go to in-laws in the evening, and beg.

There would be blazing (sometimes violent) rows between my mother and father, about whose turn it was to go. It was an awful and humiliating thing, begging like that. Our relatives were embarrassed. Sometimes they'd say no.

My parents used to make me go too!

I was cute and they thought it would be 'easier'.

This is by no means the worst thing that happened to me, but it gives an idea of what my daily life was like. (Not every day was bad, but I'm sure you know that, in between, you're tense all the time, not knowing what's coming next).

Maybe you can see from looking at me as a child, as I can when picturing you, that there was no way that poor little thing could have been anything but deformed by the life they were forced to live.

Where is the space for them to say 'no'? How can they try anything out safely? The time they should be spending getting to know themselves, they're just surviving.

Well, anyway, I just thought I'd share that phrase 'adapted child', in case it strikes a chord with you too.