Here Today,
Thank you for your reply. I am not really able to make too much sense of all of this now. But what you said about me feeling like the power is within T and not within me is absolutely true. I mean this, thanks for reminding me. I had figured this out when I decided to stop texting T. I knew if I kept on doing so, that I would just feel less powerful. It's like I forgot that.

It is just so demoralizing to be in so much pain and feel like nothing works. Why T works but I cant, I can't figure it out, who knows? As much as I seem angry at T, I am fully aware that this is my stuff, and I am fully aware that I have a wonderful T. I can't figure out why I can't do this myself. When T texts me, I feel massive relief, when I deal with myself, I can't soothe myself, and then mix in the anger I feel at having to do this alone (actually, this now is my choice), but I just can't seem to process it all. I am angry and feel incompetent in being me. Why is it so painful? What about this makes it feel traumatic? It's hard to feel anger at others and compassion for myself, why, I have no idea? I feel my anger is not justified at this point. I think that I also feel power in anger, but compassion feels nonprotective. I can only describe how I feel, because I don't understand it. I"m trying not to add shame to the mix and trying to accept me as I am in stead of getting ungodly frustrated.

You're right, I am not going to know who I am until I get there. I think I am more in touch with my anger than I have been before. I am trying to do what is best for me, and yet I still need T. It's a dichotomy that feels like it is going to destroy me but i know it won't.

I know this is the path to enlightenment but I am struggling in getting through. I am struggling with my layers of judgement upon myself. And don't know how not to.