It’s no secret I have had bad experiences bonding with therapists in the past. I either trusted/felt bonded with a few T’s who did not deserve it. OR, had the experience of bonding with a subsequent T (who I felt was trustworthy) but I felt a lot of pain and grief when I had to leave her.

I began seeing my current T almost four years ago. I didn’t actively try to bond with her. I wondered if I would. I wondered if I should deliberately keep my distance from her, emotionally. I went with the attitude, ‘Let’s see what happens.’

T listened, seemed intelligent. I quarreled with her initially basically accusing her of not knowing what she was doing. We both almost called it quits. I had huge trust issues. I still do. We came to an understanding. It would have been weird, I believe, if I *hadn’t* had trust issues.

Now, looking back, i remember her being very open with me. At the end of each session she would say, “Call or email anytime. I am here.” It took me a while to
realize she was serious. It was as if she was soliciting the bond with me...or letting me know she was open to the idea.

I remember giving her my history and backstory for the first six months. I don’t remember feeling a bond with her. It felt more like a business arrangement. I was ok with that.

I wondered if a bond just happened or if it was something I had to decide to do...or not do.

I can recall the exact moment I became aware of a bond with her.....it was when she went away on her first vacation after I started seeing her. I talked with her a bit on the phone the day before she left and she ended the conversation with-

“I will think of you while I am gone and I will hold you in my heart."

=*(* That did it right there.

So, I discovered I had an emotional need in me that needed filled...and that’s the moment I felt the bond. June 24, 2014.

I’m wondering, if the client doesnt have an emotional needy place in them, maybe they wouldn’t need or want to feel bonded to a therapist?

I asked T what percentage of her clients see her just with a simple goal(s) and what percentage of her clients develop more of a bond with her. She said the split is about 20%/ 80%.