So today is day 2 of my attempt to moderate my relationships. Its like something is missing where the daily contact use to be. What was the fundamental fear I had of not being able to control my friend/friends?? It's that they may decide to not come back. But when I use my adult self to answer this fear, the fear just turns to smoke, I mean if someone decides they dont' want to continue in a relationship, then what fool would I be to keep it going when its died? I can trace this fear back to hearing my birth mother choose her life over her children. I felt totally powerless over that, thoughts of, I wasn't enought for her, if only she really got to know me she wouldn't have wanted to leave me. Now I know it wasn't about me, and there was nothing wrong with me, it was her dysfunctional life that was being played out.

*sigh* I so wish we had the hindsight of an adult when chidlren, what unnesscary pain we suffer when we have no inner voice to comfort and console us? what a big world of mysterious shapes and monsters we lived in as children as things that effected us were done to us and we had nothing to protect ourselfs with, well accept dissociations and addictive patterns that developed.

Aha now I see how I am, in the big scheme of things I am exactly as I should be considering what I had to face. I am not flawed to the core, I am the sum total of my survival. Thats ok.