Ozisl - I can relate. i don't have schizophrenia, but i've got a lot of symptoms that i'm scared to talk about and extremely violent thoughts is one of them. i know logically that it would be best to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about them, and that's the advice i'd give to anyone going through the same thing. it's difficult to follow that advice though because of the fear of consequences. I'm really sorry that money is the restricting factor in your process here, because everyone deserves access to healthcare.