Justafriend,

Thank you for this. So much. You aren't out of line at all, in fact it was amazing insightful.

I don't know how I missed that giant red flag, but you're absolutely right about what I was doing. I have Borderline, so yeah, flipping on a switch to pushing people away/self-sabotaging at the slightest sign that I'm being abandoned is definitely a pattern and definitely what I'm doing.

I see that now, but all weekend I was so convinced that that wasn't what was happening this time. Sigh... It is frustrating that still after all the work, there are still these times where I am completely out of control of myself, or completely controlled but emotions and that what is happening inside during those times just isn't real.

But, at least I'm realizing what is going on now and that's something that never would have happened two years ago... So those are all steps forwards... And we'll just keep building on that.

Thanks so much for your message. It was so incredibly helpful.