My biggest problem is my annual seasonal shift in the autumn. It doesn't have anything to do with my childhood abuse (though I suffered plenty of that as well) but with some things that traumatized me severely at the age of 19 and, as a result, "fixated" me at that spot. Every autumn it is 1983 again for me and I relive that time period one way or another. Basically I can never move forward from that spot. 1983 was when I had my first psychotic break -- but I didn't even realize it at the time. I had been su*c*dally depressed for months, stuck in a negative religious obsession, and began hallucinating, at least I think it was hallucinating. Textbooks would call it hallucinating I suppose. To me they were "visitations". I thought I was becoming possessed and I was terrified. It was a very traumatic time for me and the way people treated me at this, the most terrifying time in my life, just traumatized me further on top of it all.

Childhood abuse left me blind to anything good or worthwhile in myself, prone to accept blame for everything and internalize anyone's negative messages, vulnerable to constant re-victimization if the right buttons are pushed or triggers are set off. It destroyed my original self which was a very sweet, beautiful, loving, tender hearted child whose only desire was to love and be loved. It ruined my ability to trust human beings, to bond with them or even want to seek them out at all. It left me expecting to be hurt, expecting to be misunderstood, expecting to constantly be made to feel like crap, with voices in my head that gladly filled in the gaps if no one else was around to do the job. Worst of all, it taught me to feel as if only I had real feelings and nobody else, because I always end up as the one that's always crying, getting mad, going off, while everyone else is keeping it cool to themselves, showing off how untouched they can be, and they can make me feel all sorts of misery but I cannot ever even so much as touch them. That's what I learned in childhood and even if/when it's not the case today I cannot see it, I still see the childhood reality -- I still see myself as never able to impact anyone else while everyone else can impact me (negatively) all they please and there isn't a g*dd*m*d motherf*cking thing I can do about it.

My childhood abuse taught me to expect to be persecuted, taught me to be paranoid as a survival skill. It made being m*l*sted an experience I considered "empowering" rather than devastating. It laid the groundwork for believing I was born to belong to Sat*n and that G*d countenanced liars and suffered fools and elevated and protected @ssh*les while letting children like me who were honest, intelligent and authentic get screwed by others and treated like dirt just because these others pretended to be all "sweetie-pie perfect" whenever the adults were paying attention (and then hurt ppl like me when the adults' backs were turned), but the adults would not protect me because they despised me because i could not comprehend their system. it made no SENSE to my mind to think that because someone was older or bigger meant they were right, especially when i could see they were wrong. it made no SENSE to my mind to do things without a valid reason just because somebody "said so". i was not "rebellious" or "selfish" or whatever other stupid toxic crap they tried to lie to me about myself, because to be that you have to actually comprehend their system and THEN go against it and my deal had nothing to do with wanting to buck or defy -- their system just plain made no sense to me, did not "compute" in my head, and thus I could not grasp it and could not make sense out of what they wanted from me. for example they would try to say to me things like, "oh you just always want your own way don't you?" and i could not make sense of it because i could see right through it -- the only reason they were saying that was because they wanted theirs. i was basically too smart for my own good! it eventually all blended together into an amorphous blob of thinking what they really wanted from me was for me to die, to stop existing, to stop thinking and feeling. and i frequently still feel this is what others are trying to demand of me. and i won't give it to them. no. i say "***** YOU. you learn to adapt to a universe I happen to share, or YOU can be the one to check out. you do NOT come to me and tell me to disappear because YOU want me to disappear. you do NOT get to treat me that way." but it is hard to feel like the whole world wants you to die. it is WAY WAY WORSE than feeling su*c*dal within yourself, BELIEVE ME. i'd RATHER feel like *I* want to die than feel like EVERYONE ELSE wants me to die.

All of it (childhood AND 1983) robbed me of the ability to be present in the moment, in the here and now, because everything is overlaid, intertwined, and interwoven with there and then, and I cannot simply deal with any event or situation for what it is by itself, ever, because everything is related to all this stuff.

I'll probably regret posting this stuff-- but oh well. the thought police can kiss my butt. i live to expose them, to turn their vile schemes inside out in the light and let them be revealed for what they really are!!!