You have no idea how badly I just want to be held. It's not a little thing to me at all. It's the one thing I always wanted from my ex, to be held, that 99 times out of 100 she denied. I found if I asked for it in front of her friends she would, but usually begrudgingly, while huffing impatiently. I took it because it all I had for years since my best friend ever drank herself to death. I never denied my ex affection, except when I was suicidal or she had just cut me to ribbons with her words for 10 minutes. She usually used affection to get things anyway, and not for the sake of being affectionate or loving. I should be able to get over that kind of "woman" quickly and easily.
This comedown from mania sucks and it's all jacked up with my other messes. I'm not being pushed to worse places for once. I'm actually grateful she's not here, doing her best to make sure I'm suicidal. I'm very grateful of that.
I swear if she pops up somewhere I'll want to vomit on her just to make her run. She sickens me, just the thought of her.
This is what I think I'm actually dealing with... I think what I'm actually getting over is the ideals I held for that relationship, and the ideals I held for her, not her as was/is. Does this make sense?