Yes, it's abuse. I suffer from PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome as well. I still try to convince myself that he's a good person when I know deep down he abused me. My therapist is helping me heal and I'm so thankful I found her. Sometimes I see sadness in her eyes whenever she's talking to me.

Sometimes my mind is an state of confusion and I'll go from happy go lucky and not even thinking about my abuse and than something will remind me of him and I'll start crying. Sometimes I hope he'll change and prove to me that he's changed but he hasn't and I doubt he ever will change.

I'm glad I'm not with him anymore but to be honest with you.... sometimes I miss him... So I can understand where you're coming from. Just talk to a therapist about whatever your feeling and write in your journal a lot. It has helped me a lot.