TW for surface-level discussion of assault.

Today's was the toughest session (topic-wise) C and I have had. I'm still not quite present/grounded right now. My mind is spinning, I feel quite young, and I really want to (and probably will) email him just to ask, like a small child with tears in my eyes, if he's still there. My chest is tight, and I'm re-experiencing the feelings of that day and, most especially, that evening - when I had to go home and pretend nothing had happened. I'm realizing right now as I type that coming home and having to jump back into mom mode and "pretend nothing happened" is greatly triggering those feelings.

The before-mentioned topic of "the signals I give off"/"how I relate to men" inevitably led to our first toe-dip into my first and most traumatic sexual assault. The exact play by play of today's session is long gone from my brain. But, there were some things that I made a point to hold on to.

First, that he said "this is where my protective feelings really kick in" when we were talking about the assault (I did not go into any detail about what happened - we just talked around it, kind of? Like about the person, about the relationship I had with the person, about the nagging voices of self blame in the back of my head who are disconnected from my "rational/front of brain" mind (C is the first therapist to really insist I let that bit talk - he literally said "I'm talking to that part right now"). I am fighting with anxiety over worrying I somehow made it sound worse than it really was. Like, I realize now that what he was saying - maybe he thinks certain types of things happened that didn't... what if, when he finds out, he thinks "that's it?! that's what you're so upset about?!" (Rational front brain says "TMC, you know that what happened was bad enough to warrant your reaction; every victim always thinks that what happened wasn't 'bad enough' for it to matter.")

Right. More things that stuck out, though, that I'm holding on to. He reacted with utter shock -- seriously with so much more real feeling than anyone I've ever spoken with about this event -- at the fact that, after it happened, I went back home, back to a family party, and pretended nothing had ever happened. Let me back track here and recount the conversation (I don't want to forget it):

He said "I wish I had been there to stop it from happening."

I told him that I'd said to S before that I wished he'd been there, but that, even if he ...or if he (C)... couldn't have stopped it happening, I just wish someone had been there to help me with the aftermath. Because there was nobody, I just had to go home and pretend nothing had happened

He made an upset sound at that and said "but you didn't have to go back to the party, right? It was after?"

I said "no, I went back to the party. It was still going on. I'd snuck away during it so nobody would notice, and I went back and pretended nothing had happened."

He was literally shocked (which really surprised me)... he said "How on earth did you do that?" He was quite worked up at this.

"I'm very good at compartmentalizing," I said. And he said something like "you must be."

It segwayed in to the topic of compartmentalizing and how it was a literal survival technique for me. He said that people who have had to survive do typically get quite good at compartmentalizing. We briefly brushed on an incident from my childhood that I mark as a point when I absolutely had to compartmentalize and change my emotions/pretend in order to survive.

We talked about how these memories are not just memories - that, when I think of them, I don't think of them - they come back up, and I reexperience all of the feelings and sensations of that day. (It was happening there in his office, and I know he saw a bit of it - I was fighting so hard to keep it under wraps - again, survival instinct...)

C said that he wanted to go as deeply into my trauma as I wanted to go. He told me about a method he thinks would work well for me and, guys, it's so freaking awful (and he said so as well). The method requires my writing out what happened with certain structure (dictated by the method I suppose - he didn't say much), then, I would bring it in to session and read it aloud to him. I physically reacted and had to hide my face and curl up a bit into a self-protection position. I would then shred the document......and write it again. (No word on if I'd have to say it aloud again too....)

My stomach twists at the thought of doing this. I can't even think of it really right now. C said it was a long ways off IF I chose to do it - that we had a lot of talking about it all to do first. And, he was quite good at pausing me and asking probing questions as we talked about just the relationship and leading up to that day.

I told him I was scared to leave, because I was afraid of what I'd feel when I left and was home alone. And...here I am... and I'm definitely reexperiencing that evening right now. And I've no idea how to stop it. All my grounding techniques aren't working.

I should probably email him. I really don't want to be alone. I want to know he's there so badly right now.