Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing part of your story. That helps me a lot. I think back to all the things and the things that made me who I am today.

I think in terms of rules. I have to follow the rules, his rules. As long as I follow the rules it is pretty safe. I know the rules and they only apply to me, they do not apply to him. The rules can change at any given moment. A new rule can be added and I am expected to know what that rule is with out being told.

As long as I agree with him things are good. If he asks my opinion, he doesn't really want my opinion. I have to give the opinion that matches his or that he wants to hear. Any opinion other then his is simply wrong.

I can do what ever pretty much as long as his house is clean, and all the house cleaning standards are met, and I am home by the time he arrives home.

Appearance is everything. Tell no one of the abuse or the true facts, tell no one things are not good. Not family, friends, church, NO ONE!! I can have a T, but don't tell her the truth (I do any way).

Don't speak unless spoken to, don't give opinions unless asked. Do not talk back to him, do not defend yourself verbally. His word is the word, and his word is final.

Be good, clean well, agree with him, and he may give you a little extra gas money so you can afford to leave the house a little.

Make sure that the kids are quiet around him, that they are mindful of what they say. No laughing and giggling, singing or telling silly stories in his presence.

You can only be hungry when he is hungry. If he goes all day with out food they you WILL to and so will the kids.

These are just a few of the things he does. He has Aspergers and OCD, and maybe even borderline personality. Things are not good, but they are far far better then they used to be.

Sadly and nauseatingly sick, I still light up when he enters the room, and when he calls. (well sometimes when I know I am not in trouble) I left and went back, time and time again, I give him chance after chance. I want to give up some days and say F it, abuse me and I will take it, fighting it is just not worth it. Other days I he can change, he says he will and I see it sometimes. IDK, that is all I know, that IDK.