I was talking last night to the concertmaster of the orchestra that fired me for missing a rehearsal. I like him, he is very supportive of me when there's absolutely no obligation for him to be so, at all. He is the one who rehearsed my apology letter and got me back to play a concert with them in September after I'd been cut from the roster.

Apparently he was talking to the conductor about me last week, trying to get me considered again for a tenured position. The conductor said he doesn't want me, because I was "unengaged" at that second-chance September concert.

That was the week I had to call a suicide hotline and M had to spend half an hour with me on the phone during break to talk me out of my plans.

I was pretty impressed I made it through alive. But I was not being an engaged section player.

Ok. You know what, **** this.

Meanwhile, there are people who show up late and drunk to every rehearsal, people who get lost mid-piece and can't match the section to save their lives. But I came in highly recommended and caught this jerk's attention, and then I dared to be "unengaged."