Ok, I've been chronicling my debacle with my brother for a few weeks now, but in summary:
- I am 38 and my brother is 36
- my elderly (84) dad is terminally ill with cancer and has only a few more weeks left, we think. He is completely bedridden and can no longer speak or do anything for himself.
- neither my brother nor I live within driving distance from my dad; my brother has a 2 hour flight and I have between 5-10, depending upon whether I can get the once/day direct flight or not
- I have not had a good relationship with my dad since I was a teenager. I have come to realize that he has never respected ANY women, and am starting to feel a little less bad about the part I may have played in our poor relationship. It might have been a guaranteed lost battle if I had been anything except submissive to him (which is not my nature)
- my brother has a terrific relationship with him; partly because he always did exactly as my dad told him to, and partly because my dad just seems to respect men more
- just because my relationship with my dad has been strained, I still love him very much and am doing my best to care for him at this time.
- I have been flying to the east coast on weekends every 1-2 weeks, and had been alternating weekends with my brother until very recently, when we've both been here since we suspect that we're close to the end
- my stepmom is my dad's full-time caregiver, and while they haven't had a very loving relationship over the past 20 years (my biological) mom died when I was 15), she has been doing her absolute best and I am grateful for it
- my brother is grieving terribly - he loves my dad more than I've ever seen him love anything or anybody, and he is consumed with protectiveness and sorrow at this time

Ok, that's the summary. But what I am about to ***** about is a continuation of how I'm feeling progressively worse about my role in this family, and it's getting to the point where I don't want to come back here anymore. I feel THAT alienated; as if my presence is pointless.

When my brother is at my dad's, he shoves everyone aside and assumes the role of primary caregiver (which he is not). I've talked with him about it and while he acknowledges that he does do that, he is unapologetic because he feels that he can care for my dad with the most love, which is probably true. But that doesn't mean that I am incapable of doing ANY of the care, and it hurts that I feel that I almost have to ask my brother's PERMISSION to feed my dad, or push his wheelchair down the hall, or whatever. He constantly corrects me if I try to talk to my dad, telling me what I should or shouldn't say. It is undermining and frustrating.

I have already expressed here my frustration at trying to give my dad some Christmas baked presents that were meaningful, only to have my brother push them aside in favor of his gifts. Now this weekend, it's a continuation of that. I brought some homemade jam and made toast for my dad - my brother took out some other type of jam and next thing I knew, he was feeding that to my dad instead. I bought a 35mm slide converter and had slides and home movies converted to digital media, and my brother set up the projector in my dad's room while I was sleeping and next thing you know, he had shown my dad most of the movies/pictures without me there, taking all of the credit. Last night, I prepped the ingredients for our breakfast and my brother knew this, but they didn't wake me up for breakfast (mind you, I live in a time zone 3 hours behind so I don't naturally wake up at 7am when visiting the east coast) and my brother had made a completely different breakfast, leaving my prepwork untouched in the refrigerator.

After breakfast, my stepmom was rubbing my dad's cheek and next thing you know, my brother is giving my dad a full-blown back rub and my stepmom was rubbing my dad's hands, my brother was smelling my dad's hair saying how much he loves the smell and wishes he could bottle it, and I sat there feebly with my teeth in my mouth, feeling as though my choices were to try to compete in the "who loves my dad the most" contest or appear to be a cold, uncaring daughter. YES I know that there is a middle ground, which is "don't feel threatened by it", but MAN, it's really hard not to when there just isn't any room for me to express otherwise. Simply no room.

I'm just venting, but as I do, I realize that I am experiencing jealousy toward my brother, which is an emotion I rarely have felt in my life up until the past few months. I remind myself of Timmy in South Park, in that famous episode where Timmy and Jimmy get into a... well, fight. If you have seen the episode, then you'll know what I mean.

I think that my brother and I desperately need family counseling but I don't see that happening anytime soon. He is too obsessed with my dad's care to consider anything else. He has apologized to me twice about never asking about my pregnancy, so he does seem to acknowledge that he is singularly focused on my dad, but all it did for me is reinforce my black sheep feeling that I am of lesser importance in this family.

My feelings are so infantile - I am not belittling myself when I say that - they truly feel very base and unevolved. You'd think that after 15 years of therapy I'd be able to rise past being so this sensitive. But actually, in general I am NOT particularly sensitive which is why these feelings are so foreign to me. I just don't know how to adjust myself to them so that I can stop hurting and start accepting.

Thanks for making it this far. I'm sorry I haven't been much of a supporter to others lately.