So I was feeling *ok* at work today. Pretty inadequate but, you know, dealing with it. Then I was sitting in the math office pulling out my laptop to email some parents when the math department coach walks in (the one I've been training with). I hear him in the outer office grab my co-teacher (the one who doesn't like me) and ask to talk to her. He comes into the inner office where I am and when he sees me he just gets this LOOK on his face like he's so pissed i'm there. He doesn't say hi or anything. He takes her back out into the outer office and they start whispering.

I am ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that he was checking in on me and wants her to report on how i'm doing in class. and i'm absolutely convinced that she's going to trash me.

I froze. like my mind just shut down. It took me 45 minutes to send five parent emails. I felt like i could throw up.

I posted a couple days ago about feeling overwhelmed by everything. Today I feel like such an abject failure that I want to call up my principal tomorrow and quit on the spot.

You all know how I go back and forth with this career and always have. I think it's centered around my moods; when I feel stable, I feel ok about the job and when i'm depressed I feel like I'm a horrible ****ing human being who can't even say my own name right, let alone teach like I'm supposed to. I know there are a few former teachers on here who had to give it up due to BP and i'm wondering if the whole thing is just too stressful for me. This year i'm strictly a co-teacher and I still feel like **** about myself. I'm too afraid to teach more like they want me to because I'm so afraid of ****ing it up because i don't know math that well. Even this past unit, I've been confident in it but I still can't bring myself to ask my co-teacher to let me do the do-now and homework review. I don't know if this has anything to do with BP or it's just my personality. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I guess I am a perfectionist to the point that if I don't think I can do something perfectly, I just give up on it. I wrote a paper in high school and got a B on it and never wrote another paper for English class again.

I think I'm struggling with a mild depression due to the season change right now and that's affecting everything. I find myself hoping something bad will happen, that i'll get into a car accident or something so I can get out of work. I'm also feeling especially nihilistic; I don't care if I die, I just don't want my son to be alone.

Someone brought up asking for ADA accommodations but I'm not even sure what they would be. Don't be so ****ing hard on me??? Don't expect this much out of me?? Then I might as well just not be a teacher because that's not fair to the students. I don't need FMLA accommodations, although I might if I become severely depressed again.

Sigh. I have an appointment with a new pdoc in two weeks. I might have to go up on my emsam to help me through this downswing. But I don't know what the new pdoc is going to think about emsam anyway. It took a lot of convincing to get my old pdoc to let me try it. I'm nervous about the new pdoc for sure.

Alright alright alright I've blathered on for far too long, as usual. I've got to get my project done.