Well I can’t sleep and refusing to pop an ambien. All I can think of is this foreign belly. I am almost 100 lbs overweight and at 320. 220 I’d look great. Hell I’ll take 235. I’m thinking why couldn’t I control myself during this depression. Isn’t the opposite suppose to happen and not eat?

I really want this weight off badly. I keep on setting deadlines that I don’t even try. I miss hav8ng a girlfriend, being social, being out in public, being content with myself. I barely have any memories from my twenties and I know their were a lot of good times. I’m in a weight prison. I don’t let myself enjoy life because of my weight, mainly because I’m ashamed of myself and feel like a failure. I recently talked about this in iop. I can’t get their words or encouragement to sink in on this. We “peeled” the layers back and attribute my weight gain as a sign of failure and punishment I don’t let myself out. I shared with everyone I’d like to lose at least thirty lbs by New Years. As my previous thread I haven’t even started.

I’m so afraid that this will be another year alone. I always wished for a nice birthday but never had one. I don’t want this to be alone at my apartment feeling sorry for myself. God I wish so much and have achieved so little. I k ow what to do and feel it’s so easy. Yet it is so hard.

I’m sorry if you’ve heard this before and have encouraged me or commented. As you can tell I hold my birthday in such high regards and it is always a bust.