Hi everyone,
my name is Sarah and I’m new to this. I’m a mother of 3 children. And I’m absolutely depressed. I have a son with some very complex needs (middle child- GAD, OCD, ODD, ADHD, depression, communication disorder) . Since he was 18 months, our lives have revolved around B, he’s 9 now. Everything was and is about B and slowly I became a new person. I became what he needed me to be. I no longer had the time or the energy for friends because B needed me. I gave up my career because B needed me, still needs me. I gave up my hobbies because B needed therapy and money goes to him because he needs it. Last night, I had to quit my job because there’s no one to watch B while I’m at work.

It was the last thing I had left for me but B needs me. And now I’m left unsure who I am and I’m completely alone. B needs me but I have nothing left to give. I have no friends left, they’ve all given up. And when I try to do something with them, I find myself disconnected because I don’t remember how to socialize. Because I can’t seem to connect with them and their so basic lives and complaints. I go home and cry and decide it’s not worth it. I won’t resurface again for months, not that they seem to care anyways.
I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do anymore. My family isn’t the best support system, they have their own lives with their jobs and my husband, while is a good person..... he’s also disconnected, spends more time looking at his phone than his family, than looking at me. I’ve given up trying to get him to pay attention....I want it to end, I want all of life to end but I don’t want to die. I just want B to go away. God I’m an awful person, an awful mother for thinking those things. Always fighting, always arguing. Everything is a fight, even the most basic requests. I’m so tired of fighting, I’m so tired of not knowing who I am anymore, I’m so tired of being needed. I want to find a rock and hide until everything is done, or gone. But I can’t, because B needs me and there’s no one else to help.