Thanks everyone for listening to an old woman ramble on....... now to add to my story and still hope for the same unconditional love & support you have been giving.

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Why her Death haunts Me so.......

Like I said I had been out of state at the time my daughter become ill again for the ump-tenth time in her short ten years of life and for this I am a little glad for I fear that I might have been accused of doing some thing to bring it on for I had been fighting falling apart for some time now and it had gotten so bad that my husband and I feared for our daughters life for my DID had taken over the year before and I was afraid that one of my alters was trying to rid my life of the stress called "My Daughter..........

Therefore we had placed our precious little girl in foster care just six months prior to her death and I hated myself back then for not being strong enough mentally to have hung on for just six more months..... for not being there the entire ten years of my only daughters life.

I hated that the hospital staff watch me like I was criminal when I came to see my dying daughter...... little did they know that we gave her up to save her life while I was dealing with a mental break down, clinical depression, DID and three suicide attempts.

I hated myself and still do at time that I slapped my precious handicap daughter once in the face when she would not stop crying one day - a very bad for me.

I miss her so much and wish I could just hold her again and have her tell me that she forgives Mommy - a word in which I never hear from her lips (mommy) - for she could not talk, nor walk.

I hate that I was not STRONG ENOUGH!

I hate that my two boys (ages: 23 & 18) do not know about this part of life for they were to young to remember - I fear the day they ask me questions about that time in their sisters life.... I hate that my boys do not know that their mother deals with DID.

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Why is it is easier to remember all the bad we have done, and then it over rides any good?