Hi,

About Me:
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I am 36-year-old male, married for 12 years with a 5 year old boy. I have a Masters degree in Computer Science and now in a technical leadership job that requires a lot of analytical and logical reasoning and thinking.

My problem:
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My problem is I have something that triggers my depression which leads to me being depressed and I go long periods trying to cope with binge eating and drinking alcohol, prolonged periods of watching tv, films or youtube videos to take my mind off my depression.

I gain massive amounts of weight (20 to 25 kilos) and isolate myself from people and social gatherings always finding reasons to skip them.

At some point, I pull myself together, say enough is enough and go to the gym, exercise, get into a strict diet regiment, lose the 20 to 25 kilos, start dressing up better, socialising better and this transformational phase is great. My mood is always high, I am enjoying life,people enjoy my company.

Then something happens, a trigger, and slowly I fall out of my workout and strict eating routine and then I gain the 20 to 25 kilos back on again.

So I would go from 6 months to a year of being depressed, fat and then another 6 to 8 months transforming back and then trigger and being depressed again for another 1 to 1.5 years.

People who know me well from my younger years, say I am bubbly, happy and the ceter of attention in a group.

People who I have met more recently, depending on which phase I was in, would say I am very quite person or that I am a nice person who engages in conversation.

A bit of background:
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Initially I thought my problem was two fold:
1. Weight issues
2. My job.

My weight:
I was a chubby kid growing and had some name calling and fat shaming growing up. But it never bothered me very much until in Uni I took things seriously and lost a lot of weight. I even took up running and did 5K and 10K runs.

My Job:
From my first job onwards I felt I couldn't cope and that I was not competent and that I was in the wrong job, or wrong function within my area of work. I thought this was the trigger for my depression and push me into self-neglect and eating and weight gain. And after I have gained my 20 to 25 kilos, the problem is now two - fold: My weight and work.

Current scenario:
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I am now in a job which I am aware I have the competence to perform, also pays very well, but I am just not as interested and feel I am not happy doing this job. I feel my interest lies elsewhere perhas in arts, film-making or being associated with film-making.

However, there is something, some trigger which has gotten me onto this downward spiral, where I am in self-neglect, over-eating, watching films and binge youtub'ing.

A typical day in my depressed state, I wake up late, drag myself to work, get through the day, get home and binge eat and drink and watch tv or youtube (shunning all other chores around the home)

Weekends I tend to sleep through the day with no interest in anything, just watching youtube or films.

This runs in loop and I am fed up of this.

This is also not fair on my wife who is having to do everything on her own. I do acknowledge this, and try to help, but I find it incredibly hard doing these chores.

My wife is extremely supportive and is working in a job herself and tells me that I can quit my job and try other things if that will make me happy or even take time off for a year and travel and explore. She is amazing and is doing everything she can, but I can see my depression and lack of engagement is taking it's toll on her and also may have an imapact on the formative growing up years of my little 5 year old.

Medical help:
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I never thought I needed medical help, as I thought I was in control and I was able to shake it off with exercise, diet and more recently I discovered meditation.

However since this vicious cycle has been going on over the last 10 to 12 years, I am now convinced towards there is something that is underlying which triggers the depression and that I should seek medical help.

I am also a little worried, if I seek medical help and they confirm depression and prescribe medication etc, I might get branded and it might work against my career etc.

Questions:
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Should I seek medical help?
Am I really depressed or do I just have bad attitude towards life and am lazy ?
Are there others like me? how did you break out of it?

Thank you for taking the time to read through and any help, thoughts, suggestions and feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
OR