Yesterday's session with M is just starting to come back to me.

Mostly I complained about how terrifyingly, profoundly broke I am, how tired I am from worrying about it from the moment I wake up until when I fall asleep, how I am reaching out to everyone I can think of who might have work for me and how hard it is for me to do that given my current depression and feelings of inadequacy.

This is what I've been saying for the past 2-3 weeks. But yesterday was different-- I watched M become furious on my behalf when I told him the story about the conductor who said I was unengaged, and the way he teared up and made some excuse to check the thermostat (rubbing his eyes) when I described to him my near-nonexistant network of friends. He also brought up how I must, on some level, be enraged with my family for failing me so completely in terms of love and support. And he was right, I am pissed as ****, but didn't realize it til he said it. They got lucky recently and now have more money than they know what to do with, but I am the bad daughter who didn't even deserve to eat growing up and they definitely won't help me now.

So there were some strong feelings on both sides. It wasn't destabilizing-- on the contrary I felt validated by seeing, reflected in him, how hard things really are right now, and that my organized approach despite all this is really quite an accomplishment. I must stay afloat until the networking for new work pays off. I have been afraid of losing M in the process but he said he will be there no matter what. He cut the fee again last week effective for the months of October and November, and said I also don't owe the amount immediately, he would hold my checks for several months if needed.

At the end M asked me if there was anything we could do together in session that would help me feel recharged and grounded. I didn't know how to answer this-- I sort of felt like he should be the one giving ideas to me. In the end he suggested sitting back to back on the floor to give a physical analogy to this abstract concept of being supported, which is something he knows I've never really understood. So we spent the last five or so minutes this way, me leaning against his back. I liked this exercise quite a lot. We've used it previously to explore boundaries, too.

But this has come up before-- me being confused and numbed out by the pain of my situation until I see someone else enraged or saddened by it-- only then do I understand what emotions are appropriate. They are in there somewhere, but I have so much trouble finding them.