I have been in denial about having mania even though I may have had some for my entire life. I made a huge step yesterday when I told the psychologist I needed more medication to calm me down. I usually ask for less or the same thing. He actually just gave me what was given to me in the past (300 mg gabapentin (I had told him I didn't need it and had never taken it as often as prescribed) and the usual Xanax--it is just that I am going to get it more regularly. I constantly take the least amount of medication possible because I like how energetic I feel when I cut it back. When my H suggests I need something I tend to think it is because he wants to control me and make me feel crazy. But I have to admit that when I do not take enough I am paranoid about things my H says and does to the point of delusion, I sleep 3-5 hours a night (thinking I am working on important things) and am not making rational decisions at all times. My conversations with my whole family are more rational when I take enough medicine to calm myself down. I want to think that I don't need medication and am fine without it. I also am paranoid that the drug companies are all out to get us (there is a partial truth in this and all my delusions). I am not so sure anymore.