Hi Brittany,
Thank you for your reply and the food for thought. This is not something I am familiar with and will research as soon as I have the time. I do have some basic training on CBT but it’s often easier to do with others than on yourself. It’s like I forget that I also need these things. I’m not sure if that makes sense at all? I know I definitely need to change the way I think. It just feels like I’m stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to break that cycle. Hopefully with more research, it will help give me the tools to do so.
A Support group for parents of disabled/special needs children would probably be a god sent but there are none in my area. That would also force the issue that I have no one to watch B, (my oldest son is 13 and can babysit the 3 year old but not B- it’s not safe). It would also force me to talk to people I don’t know. I don’t think I could do that, even though technically I am currently doing it right now. [emoji38] I think I’ve developed social anxiety because I have been hiding for so long that I just don’t know how to do it. We stopped going out, to friends, and just in public in general because it always ends the same way- a battle. B has a lot of physical aggression- with us (parents) his little brother (strangled him most recently), school etc. Anyways, I did try to find one online but couldn’t. I figured I’d look for support for my depression first. Try to fix me first then fix the family.
And yes children are permanent. We did look into residential schools for him (suggested by a psychologist), but the thought makes me sick. I could never do that to him, the guilt of sending him away would eat me alive. I wouldn’t be there to tuck him in, to hug hi when he’s hurt, to tell him I love him. But then I also wonder, if perhaps we aren’t what he needs. Maybe we aren’t enough, things that residential schools could offer him. And then I’m stuck wondering what’s me and what is my depression.

Thank you though for taking the time to reply and post the video. I’ll watch it tonight when the kids are in bed and do more research. It’s a goal to work towards. A purpose