A break would probably be fantastic but I have such a hard time turning off my brain. I’d spend the entire day worrying what B is doing, if I’ll get that call that I need to go home. Even leaving him with my SO. Or I’ll think about the mess I know that will be there when I get home. It makes the day not even worth it. But I guess that’s the negative way of thinking that’s partially responsible for getting me into this mess. At some point, I just stopped. Stopped taking care of myself, stopped trying to go out, stopped talking to friends because it didn’t seem worth it..... even though it is worth it. Something I need to work on more.

I am not on any medication although I do have a prescription for lorazapam (spelling?) for when my anxiety gets too much. I have had counsellors in the past. They didn’t really help and maybe I just hadn’t found the right one... gave up because it “wasn’t worth it”. I’ve created walls, walls to high and so reinforced that no one has gotten through. Even my S/O of 11 years doesn’t know all my secrets, my thoughts, my pain. I don’t want him to know, I don’t want him to be burdened with it. Perhaps I needed a no ******** therapist. One who saw through the surface and forced me to face things I’ve probably never faced. But those services wouldn’t be free, they’d be expensive. I’m already facing the reality that we won’t be able to pay for B’s speech therapy (150$/hr) now that I had to quit my job. Therapy he desperately needs. I can’t fathom paying for a therapist for me, no matter how important it might be. Definitely have decisions to make. I just know that I’m sick of being sick and tired. Which means I need to make a change.... more than one. I figured reaching out online to connect can be my first step.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s appreciated